The Long and Winding Road

Cancer.  The gift that keeps on giving.

I know that sounds ominous, but don’t worry.  I am still NED – No Evidence of Disease.  I can’t say I’m “cured” or “in remission” for another three years but at the moment, NED is my best friend.

2023 was a busy year on the health front with two breast MRIs, resulting in an MRI-guided biopsy (just fibrocystic changes – hooray!) and a breast ultrasound (just cysts – another hooray!).  Also on the healthcare menu in 2023 were two mammograms, a bone scan, a full abdominal ultrasound, several x-rays, copious amounts of blood taken (white blood cells are finally back to normal – hip hip hooray!) and a few changes to my daily medication regime.  And all of this will likely repeat itself in 2024.  I simply cannot take anything for granted when it comes to my health, and every little thing that pops up needs to be fully investigated.  It makes me feel like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for cancer to rear its ugly head again but I am still here and my health is stable.  I am grateful for that.

Recovery and survivorship is hard.  Really hard.  Much harder than I thought it would be.  And it never ends.  It is a merry-go-around everyday.  I continually flip-flop between indulging myself and enjoying that glass of wine (or 2 or 3) or dessert or chips or a whole array of fatty foods and thinking to hell with my ever-increasing weight and sky-high cholesterol – and being super-strict with a squeaky-clean diet and exercise regime.  One minute, I think, “I just faced down a potentially terminal disease.  I am not going to deny myself anything” and the next minute, I think, “I need to smarten up and do everything I can to ensure that I don’t get sick again”.  Add in the treatment-induced PTSD and anxiety that I live with every day, and I want to shout, “Stop the ride – I want to get off!”  The happy medium that I need to find is certainly an elusive and sly little fox, but I haven’t given up hope of achieving that fine balance and I know that I have the support I need to do it.  

So onward and upward for 2024.  No New Year’s Resolution for me this year.  Everyday I just want to do a little bit better than I did the day before, overcome the shadow of Toby, and slowly cultivate the person I wish to become.  I want to let my light shine for those who need it in their darkest moments. 




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