Dear Facebook: Thanks for the Reminder

 

With Dave’s recent move to “retirement” (aka long-term disability), the continued progression of his idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis, and the extreme stress of trying to sell our house amid an uncertain geo-political environment, I have lost sight of myself and as a result, I have been living with a perpetual black cloud above my head and the weight of the world on my shoulders.  That’s where Facebook comes in – daily memories of life past.  These days, FB has been serving up plenty of memories from that turbulent time three years ago.

 

This photograph was taken March 13, 2022 at one of our favourite local restaurants.  It was our first night out since the previous October. I was nine days away from starting 6 weeks of daily radiation treatments, and very happy to be out of the house and someplace other than the cancer centre.  I thought I looked pretty good here, thinking that no one would know that I was in the middle of battling cancer.  Hahahaha.  Looking back, it is obvious that I was – pale, no eyebrows or eyelashes, and wrapped up in a warm winter sweater with a head covering. It was as plain as day. Still, it was a great night.  I believe I had the squid ink pasta – it was delish (and so was the wine)!

 

This photograph was taken two days later – March 15, 2022 -  and it still makes me very sad.  I cringe every time I see it and not because I look like a great big bald baby here, but because it shows the brutal reality of cancer: the sickness, exhaustion, physical toil and desperation for some sort of relief.  Jorah, our puppy at the time, knew something wasn’t right with his mama and was doing his best to offer comfort by being a living blanket. Animals always know. It would be several months before I slowly started to feel a little bit better. 

Looking at these photos brings me back to the present.  Despite everything that is happening in my life right now – and most of it not great and anxiety-inducing – I have to remember who I was, what I endured, and how far I have come in these past three years.  And most importantly, I can’t forget who I am now.